THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF IZZY

cc from code geass lounging, with text: 'you see it too. For me its always like this' and 'slimeofmylife

1/20-23/2022

The bug to keep fish again has been biting me all winter, i think whenever im trapped inside i feel comforted by trapping other littler creatures into other littler rooms. not an indictment on myself i love keeping small aimals i feel no guilt. Ive got one fish left from when I started back about 3 years ago, a single bumblebee goby that I never even gave a name. It killed its only other tankmate (another bumblebee goby) after 3 years of coexisting. No idea what pushed it over the line but who am I to halt the rage of fish.

Im at a point in my life where so many of my habits and rituals are ingrained into me enough for them to be aspects of me that are fairly identifiable. My behaviors, the way I expect things out of people and situations, not necesarily as an entitlement but only out of a familiarity. Im wrong more often than im right, but i do find myself making those assumptions about things in my life more and more frequently. If you were to ask me to my face how im doing Right Now, as in the moment youre asking, id probably give you a smile and id probably expect you to infer something from it that would mostly be your own assumptions at play. But really though my room is a complete mess, full of things I love and things I hate, and its really only a larger emanation of my own self. I feel like my room and my room definitely feels like me. It says a lot that this is the first room ive ever had that ive actually liked, and the first room that really somehow felt like it was mine, even though its nowhere near the longest ive lived in a specific room for. Im talking about my body, myself, and my room literally all at once.

im going skating tonight. the last time i went skating was years ago, and i think i was an asshole about the whole thing, but i remember it extremely fondly. im glad ill be skating with the same person as last time.


I'm writing this now three days after the fact, skating was wonderful, and everything else has been too. My mind feels like its coming down out of a tree, I dont expect it to last too long but there is a peace right now. Not all of these entries can or should be so dramatic or cryptic, im talking to myself more than anything.
hes got her hat on
I was born with a terrible desire to be cute, not uncommon in lots of different types of people, it was something that completely interfered with my life for a very long time even in terms of just behaviour. Lots of people learn that its hard to find something cute when its too affected, and depending on the kind of person you are at the time or the kind of person you were born as it can be harder to feel the way you want to feel without it being artificial to some degree. Whether or not other people care about this or think about it to the extent I do is beyond me. I was born with certain traits that lend themseles to being seen as cute, and others which are so far from it that the contrast is the loudest part of it all. That contrast is where ive put most of my time and energy into over-analyzing for very very many years, and it feels odd to see myself slipping out of it. I really dont feel cute in the way a younger me envisioned (craved), but im also an adult now and the lines for where i want to see myself and where I actually fall have both changed, I would cautiously say for the better, at least in terms of the final product of how im seen by both the world and myself, and what I am. I am completely surrounded by cute people, graceful people, people with a lot of talent and tact. So so many of these people. More than ever it feels like a personal world where there is a space for me.

All of this to say I really should get some cute dresses because I have people I want to see me in them.


Note to myself: find a better way to organize the journal pages in the backend holy shit