THE PEOPLES REPUBLIC OF IZZY

1/10/2022

I really dont want to journal, honestly. Im very prone to sharing my immediate thoughts, but extremely reserved about writing down anything actually considered. I get caught up on things like the format, the audience, the intentions, how im portraying myself, how others are seeing that portrayal. am I doing it for myself, am I doing it for other people? Am I doing it so that I can show myself to other people and then consume their idea of me? Im self obsessive, its not necessarily vain, its definitely a narcissim. I have to exert effort to consider the world outside of my own perspective, or outside of relation to me. I dont really feel guilty about it, but the self obsession is something that I am also obsessed with. Its recursive. I worry about making other people uncomfortable by writing my thoughts like this, but mostly im embarrassed about looking stupid. This accidentally became my first entry.

Im too acutely aware of who my audience is at any given moment. It doesnt make it in-genuine, but its all pre considered for sure. Is that a sin? even worse is it unattractive? Im mostly kidding.

for nothing but my own ego im going to label my 'journalling' as intrinsically more poetry than documentary. I prefer the freedom to put words down without them necessarily reflecting a truth. I know that the main value of this writing is my own looking back on it in the future.

If you (me) are wondering where im at during the time im writing this, im working that new job, the first office job you've had. You didnt lie to get in, but you didnt really say much at all. Working from home is just awful, I spend my entire life in a 3 foot square of existance which is usually very bareable but the minute things are expected of me with repercussions for failure then I just start losing cognitive functions one by one. I have my Weekends to look forward to, if I dont think too hard about them. I stress myself out when I think about the things in my life too much, but pretty much everything I have at every angle is exactly what I asked for.

Currently rereading some manga, but also beginning to go through the Inuyasha manga for the first time. I grew up with the anime (YTV's Bionix in 2003), I was 7 years old the first time I saw Inuyasha and its the first time I can remember being blatantly attracted to a guy, and I also wanted to be him soooo badly. Nothings changed.